Monday, 4 December 2017

Dusk

I didn’t think this day would come.

I finally gathered the courage to catch his hand.

He flung me away like a cow, a fly.

I landed hard.
I crash landed hard.

I felt things inside me. My back hurt.  I was in pain.

And then I saw him raise his hand at my mother again.

And suddenly, the pain vanished.

Something else filled instead. It was boiling. It was spewing. It scalded my skin. It boiled my head.

It tore open my throat.

I screamed.
I jumped.

He looked at me, incredulous.

Shock was replaced with mirth.
His eyes laughed at me.

I bit his leg.
Now it was his turn to scream.

I felt metal in my mouth. I felt liquid in my mouth. I felt flesh in my mouth.

He fell back.

I jumped up, wiping the blood with my hand.

I saw that he was trying to get up.
I took the lamp nearby and hit him.
It was heavy.
I dropped it on him.

He fell down in a pool of blood.

My mother came at me, screaming.

‘Get out!’ She screamed. ‘Run for your life!’

She took some money and gave it to me.

‘Go, Son. My beautiful Kanna. Save yourself from this hell. ‘

With that, she pushed me into the street.

I ran, till I could no more. I did not look back. I ran. Just ran. Forward and forward.
The blood flew down. It stained my back. It fell into my knickers. And down my leg.

And I ran. And kept on running. Until I fell down somewhere.

I opened my eyes to see angels around me. They walked around hurried. They looked angry. But one smiled at me.

‘You’ll be fine’ she said, caressing my forehead.
Like mother used to.

I looked around.

Beds near me. People in that. People walking around them. Cries. Laughter. People chewing.

Was I at a hospital?

Sunday, 3 December 2017

Sunshine

'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.'

The words were scribbled on the wall. Amongst other inspirational quotes.
I smiled at it.

Always the optimist, the idiot.

I move along, as silent as I can.

The dog looks up at me, his intelligent eyes locating mine.
He puts his head back down, dismissing me as a non-threat. He has seen me before here.

My dress make a swish swish noise as I walk.

He chooses to ignore it, turning his head away.

I'm not impressed.
Aren't dogs supposed to protect their owners?

I should do something about that. 

The sunlight is filtering through the curtained window.

It's pretty late in the day, why hasn't he woken up? I wonder.

Then I remember he liked to sleep in. Like a lot. A lot.

I can see him sleeping on the sofa. The TV is on, playing some sort of movie.
I look at it.
It has women with no clothes on. They seem to be in pain. They're screaming.
I remember that pain. I remember screaming.

I make way to the sofa. 
He's covered up, snoring.
His legs can be seen outside the covers.

I take the knife, stabbing through the covers where his eye would be.

He sits up, bellowing.

I remove the knife and keep on stabbing.
I move along his body and finally I think I've hit where it counts. He is thrashing blindly. One hand hits my chest. I fall down.
He falls down, dead.

I remove the covers.
His eye is bloody. So is his body.

I remove the cover from his body.

He is naked underneath.

I find the instrument he used inside me. It has something white covering around it. It's dry, yet wet. I think it's the same thing he made me eat. I take a lick.
Yes. It's the same.

I take the knife and chop it off, slicing through it slowly.

I find the dog looking up at me. He is curious, I can see.

I feed him a small portion of the meat. Maybe he will keep some part of the body for others to find.

As I walk out, I look at the mirror on the wall.
Blood is on my hand and my knife.
My beautiful pink frock also has blood on it.
The dress is still big for me.
Mother had bought it for me last year. Before she died. I was young then.

I look at the quote again.
I climb up using a chair.

I write below it,
'Until it does.'

I'm happy, but I'm young no more.
He made sure I am not.

As I wash my hands in his sink, I remember to put out a bowl for him.

He'll be thirsty after the meal.

Saturday, 2 December 2017

Shadow

I stay in the shadows as he brings his latest conquest into the bedroom.

Unknown to him, I am invisible to most. A shadow on the massive world. Nothing but an unmoving silhouette.

I watch as he moves his body in rhythm with hers. I can figure her on her fours, him standing like a punished school boy, behind her, moving back and forth.
They are making sounds. The moaning makes me sick. The stench is ever worse.
Not to mention the sounds of body on body.

Human physiology never ceases to amaze me.

It slowly dawns on me that someday I too shall participate in such rituals of human courtship.
But not before I complete the tasks at hand. Or maybe even in between.

Of late, I’ve noticed changes in My body.
The physicality is wondrous. Hair in parts that I do not particularly like, nor the...

Breaking my thoughts, I hear him let out a loud moan. I am shaken for a minute. I see him slump over the woman. I fear, he has died.

Then I see him straighten up as the woman lies onto the bed.

They are exhausted.

The covers are drawn over their partially naked bodies.

I see him throw a used condom on the floor. It makes a wet noise as it hits the floor.

I move slightly. And then I notice a bump in my pants. I have an erection.

I do not have time to ponder this as I hear snores from him.
The woman too, seems to have fallen asleep.

I move cautiously, drawing the mask over my mouth and nose.

I tip toe, as to not make noise. And I am very careful so that I do not stamp on the condom.

I slowly reach him, snoring peacefully.

His face is calm, but beneath that calm exterior lies a cruel, cruel man.

I slowly unsheath my knife, marveling at the way it catches the light.

I plant a kiss on his forehead but before he could open his eyes, I slice his throat.

His eyes are open now. His hands are moving frantically. He is drowning in his own blood.
The noises are unbearable.
He does not recognize who I am. I thought he should.

I wipe away my kiss from his forehead.
I remove my mask, so that I am the last person he sees.

My gloved hand shows him a middle finger salute.

My precious father. I wanted something special for him.
But, maybe, he doesn’t deserve more than this.

Curious, I go over to see what the woman is doing.
I remember to put up my mask.

I can see her trembling with fear. Her eyes are darting here and there.

‘You haven’t seen anything babe. You were sleeping. And that is that.’

She nodded.

‘Oh also, you look real good.’

She looked surprised. And confused. Maybe a little angry as well? I couldn't tell.

I walked out, triumphant. Elated. Horny as well.

But that was one less evil in my life.

I had many more to go before I was free.

Maybe, this was my curse. Mine and mine only 

Tuesday, 22 August 2017

My Fearsome Father

Cry he doesn't, in pain
His eyes may smile, not his teeth in vain 
At the hands of the doctor his eyes may show fear
In front of me he doesn't show it, my dear 
With a cold, he shivers, clutches his shoulders 
Smile nonetheless, he does 
In the heat he walks, without an umbrella nor a cap
Makes sure I, sport an umbrella and a cap 
At the hands of a doctor he's a child 
Discipline he does, me, always like a child 
In front of others he's calm and quiet 
Yet they fear his tongues might 
Uncut and unpolished like a diamond in the rough 
Such shine, even for such a rough diamond


- Sachin 


Thursday, 11 May 2017

Prove


They thought I didn't notice the whispers. And the sniggers.
I pretended to not notice. But each whisper ate into my brain. Each snigger tore into my heart. And each glance filled with hate tore into my soul. 

Yet, I continued to walk on. It's not as if I could do something to change it. I was just as helpless as them to do anything about it. 
It's just that They didn't know. 
Afterall, they did not understand who I was. Or what I am. 

I cursed myself. Never my parents. But myself. 
I had lost faith in the power above. I had long lost faith in human beings. 
But I did place faith in a few people, after all, what dork wouldn't have a few dorky friends? 

And as I walked towards the cafeteria, all I wanted to do was turn around and flick everyone off. I wanted to scream out at the top of my lungs, to prove to them that I was stronger than they thought I was. 
I wanted to prove to them that if they faced what I faced on a daily basis, they would want to kill themselves. A friend had. 
I wanted to prove, that I was just as filled with emotion as anyone else. 

I wanted to prove that just because I identified as gay, I wouldn't hit on you. And I wanted to prove that just because I was gay, I wouldn't rape your boyfriends. 
And I wanted to prove that being gay doesn't mean that you can cut me out of society. 
I wanted to prove that I was a human being, before anything else. 

The chance always eluded me. Poor, old me. Poor, old Sam. 

And now as I lie here, the blood flowing from my wrist and the pills eating me away from inside, I finally felt I didn't have anything to prove. 
Tomorrow, I wouldn't be judged. Tomorrow, I won't have anything to prove. 
Tomorrow, my parents would be beyond grief. 
Tomorrow, my friends would be crying. 
Tomorrow, he... 
Tomorrow... 



Fin. 

The Search

Years of searching had finally gotten him here. 
At the place he had begun at. 
At the place, he wished he would not end up at. 

He walked up to the door, pushing it with his hand, knowing well enough that it would be unlocked. 

But to his shock and dismay, he found it to hold steady under his force. 

A woman walking out to clear her garbage, saw him standing, pushing the door of her neighbors house. 

'Who are you?' She shouted from afar, walking closer to him. 

'I... I... I'm an old friend of hers' he replied,stammeeing, his mind just as shocked at his heart over the blatant lie.

'Aah... so you didn't hear' she said, her face dropping. 

His breath caught at his throat, his heart raced. He feared the worst and if then, he knew he could do nothing. 

'She left us a while back... left her home to her son' she said. 

A tear rolled down his cheek, followed by many more. His heart didn't give out, but he hoped it would. His mind cried out in sorrow, his mouth doing the same. His screams echoed throughout the street, the same way hers had that night he left. 

Fate had played a cruel trick on them. The Gods had taken revenge on him. 

Alone,in the world. Forever, to find himself again. 




The Call


I wasn't surprised to hear the phone ring. 
But I was surprised to see the name that popped up on the screen. 
He hadn't called... not since.. well. 

I took the call. 

'Hey', a tired voice breathed from the other end. 

'Hey... how are you?'

'I'm... I'm ok.' 

'You sure?'

'No.' 

The answer made me curious. I had never heard him speak in such assertive tones before. 

'So... what happened?'

'Well... I recently had a few tests done. I had a pretty nasty bout of fever and...'

'And?'

'Well a few of the results seem to have shocked my doctor. I'd like for you to take a look.'

'Yeah sure. Anytime.'

'I'll Whatsapp it over.'

'I did not realize that you were so...conscious about your health.'

'Well someone has to... and it's not like anyone's there to... you know...after what happened...'

I could hear his voice breaking, trailing off. 

'How's the business?', I asked, changing the topic quickly. 

Bad topic, I thought, a few minutes late. 

'Much better. I got what I wished for. And I hate it here now.'

Now I couldn't say I sympathized with him regarding this. That was the extent of the issues he had created. But... he was my brother. And a pained one at that.

'Listen...I'll call you la...' 
I didn't let him complete,cutting in. 

'Hold up. You listen to me. Stop this lone man act.'

'What? Why? I'm perfectly comfortable the way I am now.'

'No you are not. The man I knew, the brother I grew up with, he would have cracked ten lame jokes in these few minutes we got.'

'Don't get worked up man. This is... this is the new me. The old me is gone.'

'No! I refuse to accept that. I know you're in there. I know that...' she trailed off, her voice thick from all the emotion running through her. 

'We both lost parents in that accident. Not only me. So for them atleast, don't be like this.'

'It wasn't your fault'
His voice was so low, I almost didnt hear him say it. 

'What?', I asked, surprised. 

'It wasn't your fault that they died.'

'And it was yours?', I asked.

'Yes.'

'In what way? You're just blaming yourself for things that isn't even true.'

'I know it. It was all that I said... my words...my actions. It drove them over the edge.'

'It did not man.'

'It did. I was a failure. I still am. Just that no ones around to judge me, correct me. I have no social life. My friends left me. My wife is distant and cheating on me with someone whom I called my best friend.' He paused to take a breath. 

And I took the opportunity. 
'That is not your fault. None of those are. A car came and hit theirs. They did not drive into it. And You.Are.Not.A.Failure. Look at you running the businesses successfully. Your friends were all the friend versions of gold diggers. Papa and Mummy did warn you earlier. And your wife. Bah. I warned you that she was the wrong choice for you. But you were adamant. Now stop moping around, get off your ass and grow the empire. It's what Papa and Mummy would have wanted you to do. I know it, even our sister knows it.'

He was silent. 

'Bro?'

'I'm here.'

'And?'

'Thank you. I needed that. I've sent the report. I'll call soon.'

And that was the last I heard of him for a few weeks. 

The next time, he did not call. He came in his car. He brought our sister along. And we went to our favorite fast food burger place. 

'I'm divorcing her' he told in my ear, out of earshot of her. 

I just smiled at him. 

'You were right. I was wrong. God that eats me up from the insides'
And I watched as a genuine laugh formed at his mouth. So, I joined in. So did she. 

He was happy. And by extension, so was I. And we all were, at that moment. 

Now if only they were here to see it.